Category Archives: Experiences

Another try at venturing out……

After the disaster of the train journey to the coast the other week, I decided to try again, but this time on the bus to Hornsea, a seaside town just a 30 minute bus ride from town. I have to get the hang of the outside world as my trip to my paradise of Keswick is now only a few weeks away..

I’ve been very good with my hearing aids and have taken her advice of taking a deep breathe when anything noisy approaches and  having a relaxed posture and muscle tone as that also convinces the brain that the loud noises aren’t such a big threat.

So camera round my neck, which also serves to relax me, I decided to trundle into town instead of taking the early morning bus, as then I might see the town cows who were having their first day of freedom on the Westwood and would be there for the summer.

Checking on the ducklings first and the Moorhen was having her morning shower..

The ducklings were awake, bright eyed and bushy feathers

All was well as I went passed the traffic lights and out of the village onto the main road. The spring blossom is now coming into full bloom and looking glorious against the blue sky of the morning

As I neared the Westwood I could see the town cows around the Black Mill

Everyone is warned when the cows are first set free as they’re frisky and new to their surroundings. They have no concept of cars and horns but they have right of way. It is their land and it happens to have a road running through it so drivers have to be patient

The meadow comes alive when they appear and I adore their sight

Especially against the horizon on a lovely sunny day as this was

I love to see Wisteria hanging against a wall, cascades of perfumed mauve flowers now visible as I head through the houses

Now at the bus station, the bus soon arrived. Always a quiet bus and a lovely ride is it’s a double decker; the views from upstairs revealing gems hidden over the hedges

We soon reached the coast. I was uncertain what to expect here; would there be the crowds of the previous week the overwhelming noise? Thankfully not.

There was calm and the expanse of the tide reaching for the shore. I climbed downthe steps and walked along the beach and stood on the sea edge listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the breakers

I had an hour before the bus would take me back again, so I ambled along the sand and pebbles, so many different shapes and colours.. A seagull perched high up on a beacon out at sea, having a morning nap

And a child in the distance feeling the sea wash over her toes maybe for the first time watching in fascination – wonder what’s she thinking…?

Almost time to retrace my steps so I climbed onto the prom this time. I hadn’t noticed the people from below, but it wasn’t overwhelming, people were ambling like me or sat on a bench with a cuppa tea watching the sea.

Thankfully this was a different experience to the week before, a better one, one I could cope with. One last look at the sea before heading home and a ghost ship on the horizon catches my eye going who knows where…

The outside world is becoming easier to manage, easier to re-enter, slowly but surely…..

My next fundraising adventure revealed…..

Ok, so we’re almost at the stage where we can meet face to face again after a very long year. We can’t tell you how excited we all are at Minds and Voices to actually have a hug from each other, so important for people with dementia. However, each year it takes a massive £10,000 to keep Minds and Voices up and running. We provide taxis for those that need them, a lunch and room hire to name just 3 things. I can’t stress enough the importance of peer support and I consider all my playmates my second family, such is the instant connection that dementia has created…I realise it’s an ambitious target, so may have to do something else later in the year 😳

All my playmates holding up their “Iwant to speak cards” – I’m always the one taking the photos so never on them 😂

But I’d also like to use the money to take everyone on a day trip to remember and this all takes dosh!

Sooooo for my next fundraising adventure I’ll be doing a Tandem Paraglide over my beloved paradise of Keswick.

It’s all booked for the end of June initially but obviously we’re in the hands of the weather for it to go ahead, but if not June, it’ll be July…..or August or whenever, but it WILL happen. The man I’ve been emailing has been so helpful and will even pick me up and drive me there as I would have trouble climbing to the top of the fells to throw myself off 🤣

I just love this poster from Thier web site is worth a look for people with hidden disabilities..

I’m hoping that the weather will be kind of the end of June when I’m there with David, Sylvia’s husband as that’s when we also plan to scatter my best friends ashes. So it will be a melancholy but happy weekend. Sylvia would have approved of me flying like a bird over Derwentwater so I’m also doing it in her memory….

We’ve sadly also lost 5 playmates from Minds and Voices in the last year too, so it will be in memory of them too – Alison, Maria Helena, Norma, Peter and Rita❤️, all deeply loved and dearly missed..

So this is afraid where I need your help and support to raise the much needed funds. I don’t expect to raise anywhere near the full amount and will probably have to do something else later in the year 🤪….shame but someone’s got to do it 😂

I realise it’s not a good time to be asking for money, but every single pound counts. I havn’t created my own page, but am using the one we’ve already set up for Minds and Voices as when I do talks etc, people often ask me where would I like a donation to go, hence the reason for setting up our Just Giving Page… you’ll see donations are already there from kind people already… here it is….

I just can’t wait and to think I’ll see this adorable view from the skies……❤️

A Magical Mystery Tour……

My walking friend, Pip, had txt me the day before to ask if I wanted to go on a mystery tour…..of course I thought for a nano second and said yes as the company of Pip and Scooby the dog and always fun and the thought of a mystery tour sounded exciting……

The weathermen had promised wall to wall sunshine so obviously it was dull and grey when I woke 😂, but I could sense it was going to brighten up by the afternoon of our adventure. 

I had my normal trundle in the morning, just to check on the ducklings and whether the Heron had taken notice of my warning and he had. It was duckling heaven

I’d promised Pip I wouldn’t do a long long walk to save myself for the afternoon and because it was dull I did as I was told 😂

This always makes me chuckle….

Pip came to pick me up as agreed and me and Scooby sat snug in the front seat

His close proximity would have spread fear through my body pre dementia, but now, it simply creates utter calmness….strange how dementia has taken away previous fears…..but delightfully nice….

We drove off heading across the Wolds, surrounded by the fields of gold I could see in the distance from my trundles. Pip told me we were heading for Londesborough; somewhere close by yet again but undiscovered to me.

We parked in this quiet picturesque village and began walking through a wooded area

Scooby was off exploring immediately, familiar ground for him. As we came out of the trees, a beautifully expanse of the estate opened out before us and the clouds lifted and we were in full sunshine..relics of the old mansion house still remained

As we walked along the path, Scooby leading the way, we came across a young girl and her 2 dogs. Pip had met her on her last visit so they sat on the grass chatting. I remained standing, because if I’d tried to sit, I would have fallen down and then I simply wouldn’t have been able to get up 🙄….scooby is more of a people person than dog person and wasn’t too sure of all the attention he was getting

And the little puppy collie took a fancy to Scooby’s stick

It turned out she was the girlfriend of the owner of all this estate… have all this beauty around her daily must be heaven I imagine… the other half live but what a responsibility too…

After lots of cuddles with the dogs and farewells we went off further along the valley.

We came across the end of the lake where Scooby immediately knew he would get a paddle and he got straight in..

A lone swan landed and looked so elegant, so serene, hiding the furious paddling going on beneath the surface

The sound of the small waterfall was so relaxing, a rush of sound yet water has such a relaxing effect

A splash of yellow in the undergrowth at the side caught my eye

Through the small gate at the other end of the bridge, we climbed the mound and I could see sheep with their lambs in the distance but too far away to get a clear shot. Instead I turned and saw the view from whence we came – how magical it looked

Heading back down, we were going towards the cows in the distance.

A young calf asleep next to its mum was the first to appear

Then 2 squaring up to one another 😳…in the photo they look like they were giving each other a gentle cuddle, but in reality they were having a barny 😂

As more cows came into view, so did lots more calves

We’d seen a few Red Kites soaring the skies above us but I only managed to get a shot of one; the action of looking up and trying to follow them making me wobble out of control 🙄

So back to the calves, which we stood watching for ages. The morning of duckling heaven replaced by calf heaven this afternoon

We sensed it must be feeding time, as they all started to head in one direction with a purpose and we stood and watched as they crossed our path ahead, one calf was getting the idea of posing for a piccie

As the cows disappeared, so did we as we made our way out of the estate and back up towards the car, our faithful Scooby leading the way. We paused by a wall, one final look before leaving and at our feet was a host of bright blue forget me nots 

Hopefully my piccies will mean I won’t forget this beautiful place……thank you Pip and Scooby for a lovely afternoon…..

My next Adventure….Coming Soon…..

**Breaking News** week I’ll be announcing my next exciting adventure to raise funds for my lovely playmates at York Minds and Voices.
I’m sooooooo excited….last year I walked the 10 miles round Derwentwater in Keswick, the year before it was a tandem parachute jump, the year before that I was walking on fire…..what will I be doing this year…🤔


The only clue I’ll give is this….

P.s. No 4 Amigos for a while as we’re finding it sooo difficult to find a slot when we’re all free!! But we will be back….

Hair cut joy and trauma……

So following on from the end of yesterdays blog….after a beautiful morning with Sarah on the coast and on the way back to Beverley we’d stopped off to see the lambs in the field on the way. I’d seen them first with Gemma, but didn’t have my camera with me 🙈. They were in the far corners today instead of posing directly in front of me, which was inconsiderate of them, but at least my zoom captured this little family group.

It was time for my long overdue Covid haircut. I was beginning to look more and more like Ginger Biscuit as the months rolled by

So I was looking forward to feeling lighter AND for it being a quiz whizz of the hair drier in the morning for me to get out of the house 🙄……

We timed it just right and as the traffic lights went red, I hopped out of the car and Sarah went on her way. 

Now my hairdressers isn’t usually a noisy place. It’s never been full when I’d been before…..think you can guess what’s coming….🙈….as soon as I opened the door I knew instantly it was going to be another stressful first post Covid …😳. The sound of hairdryers, of people talking excitedly above the noise and the overwhelming number of people almost had me head back outside again.

Shannon must have seen me and hadn’t quite finished with her previous client. She came over and sat me by the window in the middle of the salon. I tried hard to switch off but the noise was just too much again; conversations blurring into one, hairdryers, music in the corner. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing, after all this was suppose to be a joyous occasion and everyone else seemed sooo happy to be there.

Eventually Shannon came over and took me for my hair to be washed, something I usually like and makes me feel calm, but not today. I wanted the process to speed up. Shannon tried to engage in conversation asking if I was ok but I couldn’t quite decipher the words to string the sentence together, then I found it difficult to form my own sentence to reply, everything merging with the noise of everyone else.

As she sat me down to cut my hair, I think she sensed the distress I was under. Again she asked what I’d been doing, but I had to stop her and managed to ask if this time, we could not talk and I’d simply close my eyes and let her get on with cutting my hair.

I could tell she understood, she knows me well and I was relieved not to have to try explain above the noise.

I was thankful when she finished and tried to smile my appreciation but I simply wanted to get out. 

As she opened the door for me, the fresh air felt so good on my face. I thanked her and said:

“Hopefully we’ll be able to talk next time, sorry about the silence this time”

She smiled a kind smile and said it didn’t matter, she understood …….

Another first post Covid action out of the way…..hopefully things will get better and easier…..

A more relaxing visit to the coast…..

After yesterdays traumatic first venture into the outer world, Sarah had txted me asking if I wanted to go with her to Fraisethorpe that I spoke of yesterday. It’s known as a Dogs Paradise and dog walkers and happy dogs spend many an hour there. Within a stones throw of Bridlington yet a totally different world. Wide expanses of beach and sea and I’d have the comfort of Sarah next to me so I happily agreed…

Sarah wasn’t due until 10.30 so I had time for my early morning. It was another cold and frosty morning as I set off through the field

Yet the sun was shining brightly. It was still early so the pond was still and quiet, the ducks just getting ready for the day ahead.

I was back to see how the ducklings had survived the night but couldn’t see them anywhere to begin with. A beautiful haze hung over the water. The coldness of the night meeting the warmth of the morning sun

Then I spotted them at the far end of the pond on the little island with mum

Trying to count them all as they scurried here and there

Still ten, thank goodness, all had survived the night. I love this time of year when the first appear. It’s as though nature is giving you a reason to be hopeful

Satisfied that all was well in duck land, I wended my way round my usual circular route. 

A pheasant brightening up the early morning field, where the harvest was starting to appear

The beauty of a gold finch high up on the top most branch of the tree on look out duty

The humble sparrow in full song calling out to its mates

And a bullfinch to round off my early morning trundle

What a start to a promising day…..

Sarah arrived as planned and we made the shortish journey to Fraisethorpe on the East coast. We parked up first by the enormous windmills that line the single track road

The car park looked chocca to me but Sarah said she’d seen it busier and it wouldn’t seem busy on the beach due to its size. Because I was with Sarah, there was no panic, no anxiety, I just went along with what she said and I wobbled down the soft sand to the glorious beach. It was as she said

Sarah had put her wellies on to paddle in the cold North Sea so we ambled up to the waters edge

It was so peaceful here, just the sound of the sea for company

Sooo many dogs played happily and chased around the beach

Sea birds foraging along the shoreline….

We found a gap looking out at sea between the rocks. I tried to get low enough but I knew if I bent down I wouldn’t get up again 😂…..Sarah had to look away as I wobbled and slid across the rocks 😂 but finally I handed my camera over for Sarah to get the shot I wanted

Sarah had timed it so we walked so many minutes then had the same minutes to walk back again as she had to get me back to town for a very important appointment …..

So we turned and retraced our steps only nearer the shore this time and were treated to the special appearance of the Sand Martins who dig holes in the dunes

They were so quick but I managed to get one in flight too – more by luck than judgement

Time to head back… for my special appointment…..well….I no longer look like Ginger Biscuit the pony in the village field as I had my Covid haircut but more of that tomorrow….

The day ended with a beautiful rock-a-by-baby moon…..

My first venture back on a train……….

By pure chance I had my first full free day of zoom a couple of weeks ago. I cherish these days and they feel such a relief after so long of zooming during lockdown. I decided, as it was forecast to be a cold but beautifully calm and sunny, that I’d take the plunge and go on my first train trundle along to the east coast. I needed to do a few practice runs before my first solo trip to Keswick in June.

The day dawned as promise, frosty but blue sky and sun. I had a morning off my early walk and instead planned to catch the first bus into town at 09.50. I was ready early so decided to amble to the pond bus stop to see how the ducks were doing.

Teresa terrapin had just surfaced to bask on her log

And then my heart stopped as did my body. Ducklings had been hatched overnight and there was proud mum parading them along the pond

I counted them in disbelief as there were 10, yes 10 adorable chicks. I was captivated and in danger of missing the bus as I watched these balls of fluff following their mum

But they’d be there later, so I continued to the bus stop where a mum and her little girl were waiting patiently. The little girl must have been about 2 or 3 and was having her first bus ride ever and she was beside herself with excitement. Mum told me she’d been singing the bus song all morning. As the bus came I told her to put her arm out like me so the driver knew to stop. She shouted as loud as she could ‘STOP BUS STOP’….and her excitement had begun. I remember my girls enjoying a ride on the bus……nice memories..

It was when I reached the train station that the day took a turn for the worse, but not before handing over a box of choccie biscuits to my taxi office as they’d been so good to me during lockdown. I then turned and went over to the ticket office where a gloomy man sat behind the desk. I was anxious enough and really needed a smiley face but wasn’t going to get it. I couldn’t remember what to ask for, I needed his help not a grumpy face. I hesitantly said, with a smile on my face:

“ I need a ticket to get me to Bridlington and back again please’

You mean a day return’, he said rolling his eyes and making me feel very stupid. It hadn’t started well…..🙄

I was the only person waiting for the train so was hopeful of a silent journey. It was at this point I wished my audiology appointment hadn’t been cancelled the week before, as it would have been nice to have the safety of my hearing aids to help cope with the noise, but sadly Becky was ill so we’d rearranged for the following week; I’d have to cope without them.

I could see the train coming and put my hands over my ears as it pulled into the station. 

I climbed into the front carriage and took my seat away from the only two other people. As soon as the train pulled away, I heard music playing and turned round to see the two people had removed their masks and opened a couple of cans of beer. I suddenly felt uneasy and as the music for louder and their voices competing to be heard, I could feel my body tense and realised I was gripping my bag hard. Thankfully the ride would only be 30 minutes so assumed the guard would appear and ask them to quieten down, but no such luck, he never appeared. By the time the train pulled into the station I felt so anxious, so nervous, so overwhelmed. Maybe the sea front would be quieter…..

The signs from the station are really good and once I got started I went from sign to sign following the sound of the seagulls. The first piccie I took was of a quiet beach, looking towards Fraisethorpe, Sarahs and mine favourite spot but only to be reached by car.

A lone seagull perched on the wall looking out to sea

As I headed towards the boats I could sense the tension returning as voices and people started to appear, I kept snapping…

It was lovely to see the lobster and crab pots again and the boats in the harbour waiting for the tide

Little Turnstones were rummaging in the mud for food

There were people sat on the harbour benches chatting away, people walking past me and suddenly I felt overwhelmed by the amount of noise and people, children shouting excitedly and parents shouting even louder. It wasn’t the image I’d had in mind for my day. I tried to focus on my camera, a speedboat catching my eye as it sped out to sea

I knew this would be the final snap

I needed to get out of this apparent chaos. My brain couldn’t take these surroundings any longer. So used was I to the quietness of my village that this was too much. Beautiful as it was I needed to be back in the safety of my village, so after just 30 minutes I headed back to the station for the train home.

I know everyone will find the return after lockdown difficult. Many like me, have forgotten how to be with crowds. It’s just that the experience seems exaggerated with dementia, a crowd can dozens or be just half a dozen people. Sensory overload had whittled its way inside my head.

Utter relief washed over me as I waited for the bus back to the village and I ended the day as I started ….by checking on the ducks..all 10 ducklings present and correct…..

Northern Ireland Festival……..

Last Wednesday I recorded a wonderful conversation with my partner in writing, Anna Wharton and others for the Northern Ireland Science Festival.

The intro on the web site says:

Belfast-based novelist Jan Carson will chat to Wendy about her experience living with and writing about dementia, alongside author Anna Wharton who helped co-author Wendy’s memoir and has recently published her own debut novel, The Imposter in which she further explores the theme of dementia. Queen’s University Belfast based linguist, Dr Jane Lugea will also be joining the conversation to talk about her AHRC-funded research project exploring how writers represent dementia in their fiction. 

Our conversation was around the art of writing, how me and Anna wrote my book, the laughter, the techniques along with our future plans –   you can now book a place to watch us on Wednesday 17th February 2pm -3pm GMT

On their web site it says:

“With over 120 events across 14 days, NI Science Festival 2021 will feature a mixture of unforgettable outdoor experiences across Northern Ireland, virtual talks from some of our favourite science communicators from around the globe, online interactive workshops and the biggest Schools & Educators programme we’ve ever assembled.”

So they have something for everyone, take a look. 

The largest living organism on earth…….

What on earth am I talking about, I can hearing you all thinking…..? Well, what a wonderful trundle I had last week and I didn’t realise this amazing organism existed until I met a lovely person from my village, Pip.

Pip had often liked my photos on the village Facebook page and one day she put up some of her own, of the fungi she’d seen and I was mesmerised by their beauty and wondered why I hadn’t seen them on my trundles. Pip messaged me to ask if I’d like to take a trundle with her for her to reveal this wonderful hidden world to my eyes and I jumped at the chance. What also sold it to me, was the fact that Scooby her Collie Dog would be coming with us 🥰…..😂

Pips mum had Parkinson’s and developed dementia. Her mum was a writer and apparently they came to see a talk I gave about my book and to my surprise Pip produced a lovely photo to prove it

I set off up along the snicket to meet her at the gates. I was a few minutes early so wandered round the churchyard, spying a squirrel watching me, watching him.

I’d never met her before, but as I approach our agreed meeting place , I saw her smiley face and felt immediately comfortable and safe. Her mum died not too long ago and I could see the sadness still naturally there in her eyes even through her smile …and, of course, I immediately fell in love with Scooby 

Pip said we’d start off in the Churchyard…..”I’ve just been round there, and I didn’t see any 😳”……but Pips eyes were tuned into the undergrowth and it only took her a minute to find the first, the second, the third and more …and I’d followed the exact same route, passing them by. Such small individual specimens, camaflaged by the fallen leaves. Some fungi are around all year but Autumn is when most appear, sheltered and hidden by the falling leaves.

It was then I understood I had to look at the surroundings differently, through Pips eyes. We headed along the back lane towards the playing fields, behind which stands a wooden area with amazing ancient trees. It’s often where the children make dens out of branches discarded on the ground

So many different types, 

different shapes

Smokey Bracket

many looking like coral from the sea

Coral Fungi

Pip then stopped at the ‘Mother Tree’….must have been 5-600 years old, but was dying so had the most stunning fungi hugging it’s ancient bark, making it’s demise look beautiful rather than sad….Pip wrote on one particular fungi with the tip of a feather telling me it was called ‘Artist’s Bracket’….the words will eventually fade, for more words to be might be able to make out the faded script of ‘Mi Madre’, where she’d written before…❤️

Artist’s Bracket

All the while Scooby was leading us, turning round occasionally to make sure his herd were following and happy that we threw sticks once in a while for him to chase after..

Some have a milky sap appear from their coral like veins. So many are coral like without the colour but with a individual beauty all of their own

Mild Milk Cap

I began to feel worried about treading on them until Pip told me how the fungi were purely the fruits, like apples on a tree. 

The Mycelium is the real living organism. The fungus has a huge network of roots, called mycellia, that permeate below the ground of the forest….… and the ‘fruits’ or fungi sprout up from the veins that lie beneath the ground.. One was found in America that was 4 square miles, bigger than the Blue Whale, earths largest mammal.

I wish the photo of the Puff balls had come out, along with Dead Mans Finger…but sadly they were too blurred🙄…as Pip gently squeezed the Puff Balls, wisps of smoke, almost like your own breathe on a winters morning, appeared….so unexpected.

Some were rubbery in texture, able to cling to their new found home better

Hairy Curtain Crust

Other, orange trumpets, rising from the leaf mulched ground beneath.

Tawny Funnel…

Scooby led us through the brambles and hanging branches where ‘ear like’ fungi sat perched on Elder

Jelly Ear

And fungi growing on fungi…..

I was beginning to flag a tad as we came to the end of the wood….I’d lost all track of time, having forgotten my phone so was quite astonished and a tad confused as the sun was beginning to set

We’d ambled, chatted and laughed for over 2 hours about her mum, memories, anything and everything. I could feel the sadness in her voice, but a contentness as well as she was doing what she loved most and I was sharing that experience with her. 

Wandering amongst the undergrowth, where I’d never thought to look before, a whole new world appeared right beneath my feet, that I’d never taken much notice of before, not because I didn’t like it, I just hadn’t known it was there. Pip told me sooo many things, facts and information about fungi, trees and nature I never knew before, and even though most were quickly forgotten just to know them for a few fleeting moments was enough.

I suddenly came over totally exhausted and sadly had to say I’d had enough

As we said our goodbyes, the sun just beginning to set, we saw the stunning sight of a white barn owl in full flight, soaring high in the sky, the setting sun’s rays lighting up it’s wings …. …and as Pip said in a piece she posted later:

“’That’s Mum‘ I said. ‘Oh most definitely’ Wendy replied.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou Wendy. I felt more useful and happy today than I have in a long time. ❤️”

I’ve always be of the mind, that when someone close dies and they become a memory, that you should scoop up all the nice thoughts and memories and lock them in a treasure box. Every now and then, open the box and the light will shine will all those lovely thoughts and smiles. But never keep it open for good as the memories float around and the mourning continues unabated. Keep it locked, live your life and when the need arises unlock the key to relive them once more. That way you keep your loved one happy and their memories safe as they will always be with you and want to share your highs and lows and they will always show their presence in some way, some people see them others don’t….for me they manifest in my faithful Robins…..

And I trundled home totally exhausted, but utterly content with the adventure I’d just had….

One last photo before my camera too gave up “battery exhausted” just like mine…

My head feeling like a badly tuned radio…..

I wrote this last Thursday as I sat waiting for my partner in writing, Anna, to ping me a Whatsapp to say she was ready to start for the day…..a project underway that will be revealed at a later date….It was 09.30 am and I’d been up as usual at 06.45 but had had an erratic start to the day, my head all over the place

The morning didn’t start off well….I didn’t feel quite right when I got up, having to think extra hard ‘what was next’…my head unclear, thoughts jumping around fighting to be first instead of taking their turn, forming an orderly queue…like an old fashion transistor radio not quite tuned perfectly, many stations competing for my attention 

The pile of washing on the floor must mean I’d decided to wash, so I had my shower first, as I always include the morning towel. Shower over, I picked up the washing, headed downstairs into the conservatory where the washing machine lives and immediately was distracted by the sunrise. I knocked over the tub of washing pearls, scattering like seeds all over the carpet but remember simply thinking how nice they smelt. Will deal with the mess later….I assume I put the liquid and conditioner in the machine as I switched it on, the machine lighting up ready to start and telling me 1hr 02 mins – clicked start and the process began ….

Went upstairs for my camera still distracted by the sky outside, its’ reddy pink glow fading with each minute I was taking and noticed the towel lying there forgotten…thoughts still jumping around erratically in my head, I couldn’t think straight…but I knew I needed to get out for my early morning walk…

I was stumbling around instead of my limbs working in unison, well as unison as they ever are 🙄. They too as erratic as my brain today. I kept telling myself, my morning walk would calm me….

Back downstairs, coat on, orange gloves with hotties inside – must have placed them ready last night. And finally outside into the fresh air, trying to distract the jumble in my head as a mum distracts arguing children….

As I stepped outside, I could feel the calmness of the outside space starting to work it’s magic and I went about my usual walk….. snapping at scenes that caught my eye, the sunrise fading, but still wisps of colour streaked across the sky….

An hour later and I stepped back inside to start off my daily routine, hopefully with a clearer head. Flicked the kettle on and went to take the myriad of morning tablets….a moments hesitation, as the next full compartment said ‘Wednesday’…..I looked at my phone…

Thursday 5th November “ lit up the screen…..I’d forgotten to take my tablets yesterday 🙈…maybe that was the culprit for the jumping thoughts and clumsy body today…but I don’t remember feeling like this before and I’ve certainly forgotten my tablets on many occasions …….another change to surface or maybe it’s just going to simply be one of those discombobulated days….

But when the ping of my phone signalled Anna’s arrival an hour later, it was still a jumbled mess and I didn’t know how much use I’d be. But amazingly… fingers were fine….as though detached from my body, wired to a different brain and the jumbled me watched as my fingers typed eloquently, thank goodness. And when Sarah came later, she could see the jumbled chaos in my brain had been transferred to my body and voice. When we walked to the pond to give the ducks an extra treat, my gait felt jumbled too. Consciously having to think how to walk, My body  felt jerky and unwilling….but the ducks were happy at least to see us…

I came back home, after saying goodbye to Sarah, and started jotting my notes down again, my head still a jumble, my fingers clear and concise. I told Anna I needed to close my eyes a while, maybe to let the riot in my head diffuse and calm down…..

An hour later, I opened my eyes, sleep having evaded me, I knew the riot was going to continue, so sat up in bed and began to type something calming about pottering in my garden…although my fingers behaved and produce some calming prose, my head refused to surrender, the fractious armies continuing to do battle. I gave in. 

The evening passed by in a haze and eventually I must have gone to bed. Hopefully sleep will sort me out…..

The next morning I woke and paused before moving. Had the battle ceased inside my head? Or were they just sleeping too….I felt calm, my head felt clear. I’m always saying to others, “If today is a bad day, tomorrow may be better”…..and, thankfully, this time it was….

Dementia is so strange in the way it affects us. A new feeling yesterday which I hope isn’t going to take up residence…….time for my early morning walk…..but more of that tomorrow…