Most people go about their lives without analysing why they do things. They just live their lives from day to day and never think, ‘Why did that happen?’ or ‘Why did I do that?’. I’ve been asked recently, ‘Why do you analyse dementia, why don’t you just live your life? Well for a start, it’s very hard to ignore dementia And I suppose I’ve always questioned, analysed, been intuitive. Analysing helps me cope with this dementia of mine so helps me cope with my life.
My old self is still here, trapped inside me and on some days her presence is strong and she’s able to help me through. But on others she is faded and whilst desperately trying to help, her strength isn’t there and dementia wins the day, her grasp on me too weak.
Compare it to falling off a cliff and someone grabbing your hand to save you, preventing you from falling. As time goes by their grasp becomes weak and eventually you will fall. Just like eventually my old self will fade away and I’ll be left alone with dementia winning the day.
You night be wondering why I write my blog; why would I write things down when it would be better to forget them? Well writing my days, thoughts and ramblings down helps me to make sense of what’s happening, helps me understand and helps me to help my daughters understand. If I didn’t write everything down my daughters would know very little as I would forget to tell them and when I see them I’m always just happy to see them and forget anything bad.
It also helps me document all the wonderful things I’ve done, all the amazing opportunities that have come my way, that would be lost if I didn’t write my blog.
Many ask, ‘But how can you remember what’s happened’?……..well I usually type in real time. On my journey and then at the event. I’m sat there typing away the detail of the day. I can always remember if I enjoyed the day as our emotions never disappear but if I stop typing, the detail will fade and disappear in the blink of an eye.
Typing is also my escape from dementia. I’ve said many times how I can type as though dementia never entered my world as that part of my brain remain unaffected so so. It’s still only two finger typing, but I can still type words quicker than I can think and speak them. The words we think in our minds, transferred to my fingers, whereas they wouldn’t’t reach my mouth to speak them………..the brain is a wonderful blob that we still know very little about……….
So if thoughts suddenly appear in my mind, I can instantly type them. It might be the title of a future blog, or simply a sentence that springs to mind.
Some may think it’s a nuisance to be able to analyse what’s happening to me – ‘isn’t it a worry for you?’……..well it would be more of a worry if I couldn’t. It wouldn’t feel right for me.
I’ve always been quite a good judge of character …..but since dementia my intuition has been heightened.
Many others have said this too. I know instantly if I like someone or not; whether I should say yes or no to an event from the first email I receive from the tone and language used…..or maybe I just think I do. But so many others have said how their intuition has been heightened – maybe because our brains can only cope with small chunks, small detail at any one time, so we see the important things.
The brain is such a complex organ. I find it fascinating. Obviously I wish I was a bystander but dementia has given me a close up view of it’s intricacies ……..maybe over the years, my blog will help understand my dementia more fully as I deteriorate and help my daughters understand what’s going on in my head……..so that’s why I analyse my dementia……..😊