A glimmer of hope……for now..

After I’d written yesterdays blog, I tried to work out how long dementia had grasped me tight. The longest in the past, looking at my blogs is a week…but this time it was several weeks and so long that I actually couldn’t work it out 😔 It got me thinking, was this another proverbial, step down, and this state was now my life until the next step? A sad thought to go to sleep with that night.

However, the following morning, I woke, opened my eyes and for a moment just lay there. Something was different. My head was clearer, brighter almost. The handcuffs had been loosened, the grip not so tight. What had changed? Who knows 🤷‍♀️….had dementia tired of its games for now? Hopefully. Or maybe my acceptance of it being another step down, maybe worked psychologically 🤷‍♀️. When I refer to the ‘step down’ I’m referring to the Vascular part of my dementia, as that type creates sudden steps down in progression, whereas the Alzheimer’s half has always provided me with a steady slope down.

 Whatever it was I was grateful for its release. How long will it last? Who knows, but today I was determined to see the sunrise and had no problem getting up and dressed 🙌

I opened the curtains and could see a heavy frost covering the cars. I knew the moon was on my favourite cycle, so while the kettle was boiling I pulled on my coat and headed out, in the hope of clear skies. It was amazingly clear and there was the, almost, rock-a-by baby moon

I stood and stared for a few moments, then realised I’d forgottten gloves and hat and was starting to freeze to the spot 😂 It was certainly a cold morning…It was a tad too soon to head out for the sunrise, so I snuggled back inside to warm up with a cuppa.

Worried I might get distracted and eager to be outside, one cuppa sufficed, this time remembering my gloves, which live on the radiator so are always toasty warm in a morning, along with my hat which sits beside.

The sky was totally clear and bright as I reached the corner

Up the snicket, the air icy cold, my fingers already numb. Good job I’d remembered my hotties inside my gloves, but it was so cold even they were only luke warm as I rubbed them between my fingers hoping for a thaw. The leaves on the ground, wet and muddy the day before suddenly looked crisp and bright. Each individual leaf frozen in time

Dog walkers passed me by, wishing me good morning. Geezer, Albert and Leah, far too busy playing to take any notice …as they’d just come out of the playing field, so I stopped and snapped the waiting sky

All the mud along the lane was now frozen solid so I decided to walk through to my sunrise spot, which would have been a quagmire the day before, but was now troughs of frozen mud and much easier to walk through. I reached the open field

I couldn’t remember where the sun would rise 🤔 I couldn’t remember the last time I was here and sure enough, I spotted the edge of the golden ball through the trees

I’d have to move. I walked up alongside the farmers field, the ruts deeper and rougher, but eventually came to the only view I’d get this morning, still through the trees but a tad clearer

And stood…..and watched…..and snapped

I could feel my breathing become much calmer, nature was working its magic. I might not have had a clear view, but, today, it didn’t seem to matter.

I walked back along the field edge and decided that a walk through the wood would be possible today. No longer the muddy inaccessible walk, but now a path frozen overnight. As I headed towards the wood, every now and then a clearing would allow me sight of the sun

The entrance to the wood was quiet. The bramble leaves coated tiny crystals of ice, suddenly taking on a different beauty

The sun light was just beginning to filter through the the trees, like a dimmer switch, starting off low

Then the higher the sun reached, the switch was turned to a gentle glow, my shadow standing beside them

At the back of the wood is an opening and suddenly I caught sight of moving figures in the field. I stayed very still, until I was sure

It feels like months since I’ve seen deer. A huge smile covered my icy cold face.The morning sun had just reached the copse behind them and was casting an soft misty glow behind them as they grazed, unaware of my presence..

They were quite a way away, but I knew they’d hear the slightest sound from the crunchy ground beneath my feet. 

As I slowly moved, one looked up and I froze again

They were heading for the shelter of the trees, the male lagging behind

As they disappeared out of sight, I sighed a contented sigh and turned to see the wood flooded with light

I had a peek through the trees to see if the deer had come through to the next field, but no sign of them, just natures beauty everywhere I looked

As I walked back to the original opening, there they were again, they hadn’t gone into the copse after all.

All I could see was their three white bums as they were feasting on something tasty in the ground

I noticed behind them were another group of birds…pheasant? Grouse? I wasn’t sure, they were too far away to identify, but there were lots of them feeding off something

A gunshot suddenly spooked the deer 

…and they all raced across the field to safety

My feet and hands were now frozen solid too

I shook my hands and feet as I wobbled through the back of the wood. I could see where villagers had put planks of wood to traverse the mud, but these were frozen solid in the wood today and made for an easier passage through. 

I came out at the back of the horses fields

Not far to home now …another beautiful collection of frozen leaves caught my eye and made me stop once more to snap

Out into the open playing fields, the white frost starting to glisten in the morning sunshine

I made my way home, back along the lane..

…and finally my last photo, of the church looking resplendent as the morning sun began to cast the shadows of trees across its brickwork….

What a difference one day makes….From thick fog to a clearer head, overnight, as if by magic. Today I’m back to having the upper hand after weeks of dementia’s steel grip and it felt good to be back….how long will it last before the tide turns?…only time will tell….but while the odds are on my side I’ll carry on…after all, what is life without hope…

About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with Young Onset Dementia. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

20 thoughts on “A glimmer of hope……for now..

    1. So glad you’re head’s feeling clearer today Wendy after the particularly difficult weeks you’ve recently experienced. And again have to say your blog is not only an enormous insight into all the complexities of dementia however you are feeling but your morning jaunts are just a delight – I feel I’m there with you and share the utter thrill of seeing the deer etc whilst I’m still tucked-up so very muchos gratias :). You really are inspirational.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. There’s a line in a Leonard Cohen song, which I love – “There’s a crack in everything; it’s how the light gets in.” I hope there are lots of cracks in any dark days you experience, so that the light gets in like it did for your latest blog. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wish I had known everything I have learned from you about dementia while my mother was still living. I am so glad to have connected with your first book and blog in advance of following her down that path. It has changed my feelings about that distinct possibility, and the understanding of its ups and downs. Thank you! And thank you for those three fabulous photos of leaves today. They are gorgeous!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have just finished your book ‘Somebody that I used to know’ and this is the first of your blogs I have ever seen.
    I am completely inspired by both the book and the blog.
    May your good days be frequent and last a long time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Wendy, so glad that you’re feeling more positive again today. I love reading your blog & seeing all your wonderful pics. I also like reading the reader’s comments & how much you are valued by them all – especially yesterday when there were some lovely comments about you. I quite often ‘like’ other people’s comments but for some reason ever since Christmas I’ve tried clicking on them & it doesn’t register. I don’t think it’s my connection as I’m able to send this. I wrote a previous comment & I could ‘like’ your reply through the email but it won’t let me do it any other way. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us & the downs as well as the highs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What a glorious sunrise and what a joy that your fog has lifted today for you Wendy. I smiled with you along your trundle Jack frost in evidence nature and wildlife. thank you. Long May you awake and be able to enjoy the sunrise and all that nature has to offer 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

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