Sometimes nothing can lift the sadness I feel……

On Sunday, no matter what I did, nothing could lift the sadness I felt. I tried hard, I always do, but sometimes you just have to admit that the day will be a sad day. I’m sure I’ve said before, how dementia has stripped me of many emotions and now I’m left with just three, happy, sad and content and today sadness fills my head.

Usually I can go for a trundle; immerse myself in nature; but the weather was so matching my mood. It was cold, windy, damp and grey. I did go out for a while, hoping the fresh air would blow away the blues and nature would give me a big hug, but even the birds and squirrels were hiding away that day. No bird song, no scurrying of animals into the trees. When the ponies looked forlorn, waiting for the wind to stop so they could venture out into the open.

I even poppped into my daughters in the village for a cuppa tea. Even though that hour spent with Gemma, Stuart and Billy was lovely, the sadness hung around me, willing me not to be happy.

It was due to be the last of the cold, which the arrival of, funnily enough, are the next few days blogs. But sometimes I have to type immediately and my blogs are often a few days out. But I felt this one should be published immediately to make sense to me and reflect my mood

The snow had stopped falling days ago, the beauty of soft white flakes falling were a distant memory and all we were left with were treacherous sheets of ice coating the lanes – another reason forcing my hibernation. How can something so beautiful moon turn so lethal?

I sat in my conservatory, hoping the birds were lift my spirits and they did for a while, especially the Robin making an appearance

But even their visit seemed cut short, instead hiding in the hedge out of the icy wind

I cant ‘do’ as much as i did. My head not able to stay capable for as long as it did. I know have to pace myself, giving myself more breathing space to recover.

My head feels heavy with sadness, I know then I have to stop or risk overload. As though the storage boxes in my head are full to bursting, unable to use the safety boxes of pre dementia, where a hundred and one things could enter my head and be neatly stored, ready to take off the shelf at a later date….

I can usually deal with friends ill health and death, but now my best friend is dying. Sylvia, from the very start, wanted to understand everything about dementia. She understood my lack of emotions and even now, when she knows she doesn’t have long, she didn’t want to make me sad by telling me. She didn’t want to tell me that she’d been in hospital since well before Christmas so as not to spoil my child like excitement. She told me afterwards, because she new how sad I would be. Even in her darkest days her thoughtfulness was touching. What she didn’t realise, as I told her afterwards, was that we’re so close, like sisters, is that I could read through her words. I too, was concerned for her, told her I was always here for her, and simply waited until she was ready to tell me. That’s true friendship.

We’ve said our farewells poignantly and with true affection like no other so she can concentrate on her loving family.. But such is this strange time it all has to be via txt. It breaks my heart to think I’ll never see her again. No holding her hand and reliving our good times, our bad, our laughter and simply breathing the same air for a time. Covid has stripped goodbyes for many people and now for me. I was hoping dementia may take the memory away, but such is its cruelty right now at the stage I’m at, that I remember strong emotions of sadness and happiness, this being one of them…

I can’t take any more ‘doing’ and ‘thinking’for today, this flimsy bookshelf of a brain overloaded  threatening to topple over, so instead I’ll just admit defeat and simply sit in my upstairs room, my daytime abode, and simply ‘be’. Hopefully tomorrow the sadness will have disappeared just like the snow……

About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

89 thoughts on “Sometimes nothing can lift the sadness I feel……

  1. Dear Wendy, So sorry to hear of your overwhelming sadness, and that you have had to say your goodbyes, remotely, to your dear friend Sylvia. You are such a positive person and your connection with nature I fully understand, but clearly right now, the sadness is too much for even the usual uplifting moments from nature to shift. Your closeness to Sylvia must make this so hard to say goodbye without actually being able to be with her, but she will carry your thoughts and love with her. I hope in time the sadness will lift, maybe just little by little, so that you can find joy in the small special moments again.
    Rosemaryx

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh, how sad is that Wendy. I am so sorry. It is good though that you can share it in this way.

    I read a poem the other day. It was about loss and grief using the analogy of a “stone in your pocket”. Some days the stone if felt sharper than others but it is always there. It had great resonance with me.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Chin up our Wendy, just await the Genesis of spring and summer, the gifts of nature [human and animal kind], you will soon remember the happiness and joy of the wonderful times of your friendship with Sylvia, and move on to new ventures as she would indeed want you too I am sure. Life is bitter sweet Wendy, you have achieved so much , and still have much to offer for PLWD within your work. It is hard to fight feelings as I know with LWD, but think of the future that is yours to savour and think of new memories to make!!! Make that famous cuppa of yours and keep on smiling, we cant do without our daily blogs Wendy………………………thoughts are with you from all in Liverpool , best wishes Paul x

    On Tue, 16 Feb 2021 at 11:58, Which me am I today? wrote:

    > wendy7713 posted: ” On Sunday, no matter what I did, nothing could lift > the sadness I felt. I tried hard, I always do, but sometimes you just have > to admit that the day will be a sad day. I’m sure I’ve said before, how > dementia has stripped me of many emotions and now I’m l” >

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Oh Wendy I felt for you when I read this blog. And you are such a trooper! And of course knowing you are losing your friend will make you sad .Perhaps it helps your brain if you give in when you have to, to relax or sleep.   I would like your advice, I am updating my will and want to leave something to an Alzheimer Charity. From your experience which charity would you recommend? Sending you love and light. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Knowing how sad we have felt recently at the illnesses and loss of friends, you must feel particularly bereft to be losing such a close friend. Nothing I can say will help much I am sure but take things easy there will be better days again! Xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bless you Wendy , I am a carer for my mum with mixed dementia and didn’t understand about the emotions , thank you for being so honest it helps . Sorry you’ve had a sad day , oddly enough I get them too on behalf of my mum . They just overwhelm me sometimes . It’s hard to think of you being so sad but hopefully you know it will pass and your wise and honest words really do bring hope and understanding to others who are struggling through this .

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hello to you from New York. I’m a carer for my husband with vascular dementia. Sometimes we just have to live with those sad days. I have them too. I look at my husband, so changed, and I’m overwhelmed with sorrow. He is so far from the man I married 17 years ago. He continues to be in denial, so he doesn’t seem to have sad days.
    I so enjoy your blog, and continue to be impressed with how much you do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My mum is also in denial and rarely sad and I have the sad days on her behalf – exactly as you say sometimes you just think of all that has been lost and there’s no denying that is very very sad. Lovely we can all share it, it helps . Sending good thoughts to you caring for your husband in new York.

      Like

  8. I am sorry, Wendy. Some days are like that. My husband died almost 9 years ago. I live alone and I am 74 years old. I am a very positive person, but sometimes sadness takes over and I miss him too much. I send you my love and I will be thinking of you, wishing you feel better. 🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  9. No wonder you are feeling like this, Wendy – your sadness about Sylvia and the miserable weather are a recipe for sadness. You have to think that good and better days will come, mixed in with the sad ones. You are such a giving person and I feel for you, and send my love 💖. Sue

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry that sadness is filling your day. To hear that your best friend is dying must be the hardest sadness of all. You have given so much of yourself to help others understand dementia. Please know that there are many people like me who care about you and hope that this sadness lifts very soon. Thankyou for all you do. Take care Wendy xx

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Hello Wendy, Thank you for sharing your sad times and your happy times with us. My Sister has vascular dementia and I want to learn how it will affect her further down the line. Your experiences help us to understand and are much appreciated.
    Lots of healing hugs
    Joan x

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Oh Wendy. Thank you for this post. I lost my dad last Friday due to a stroke (he also had bladder cancer). I’m in Scotland & he lived in England. I can’t travel due to my own medical condition. I found your words very expressive of my own feelings. Love,hugs & strength to you. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Dear Wendy, I’m so sorry to hear you’re losing an old friend and that you must keep your distance due to COVID. Sadness at this time of year when the weather keeps a person indoors can be overwhelming. I’ll ‘hold you in the light’ and trust in brighter days ahead…soon. Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m so sorry to hear of your sadness; I lost my dearest friend recently too, the sadness doesn’t disappear, I try to acknowledge it and try to live my life in homage to hers. It’s tough and it’s sad but I hope that you will feel better tomorrow and every tomorrow. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  15. It really tugged at my heart to read your blog today Wendy. I am so sorry that you are having a tough time at the moment (but totally understandable) – you are always so bright and positive but …. sometimes it is okay not to be okay – sending you a virtual cuddly hug xx

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Lovely pics Wendy as usual.. Sadness comes upon most of us at some time or another, regardless of which ever battles we have faced or are facing. There’s just no rhyme or reason that we can make out. When the sun comes back we’ll smile again, feel some warmth and remember our good friends x

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Wendy, I’m so sorry to hear about your good friend. I long for the spring flowers and some sunshine to brighten all our spirits. Your photos were lovely by the way!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Many of us who read your blog are with you in heart, mind and spirit, dear Wendy, sitting with you and holding you in the Light of love and the darkness of Life as it presents in dementia. You are never alone, though it feels as if you are. Blessings of good cheer be re-stored continually. DebW

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wendy I do wish we could do that walk together now as today’s been an extremely low day for me too & trying to think positive seems impossible atm. Sending love & care to you & your beautiful friend 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Ah dear Wendy, you’ve given it your all today! When I have one of these wretched days, I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and hustle with solitaire and TVs. It doesn’t cure anything, but makes the time go smoother. Wishing you comfort. Fondly, Bonnie.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I feel your sadness as if you where sat next to me telling me about your friend.
    True friends are hard to find and the sadness you must be facings the moment, well I can not imagine. I send you hugs and wishing for brighter happier days 🤗xx

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Thank you Wendy for this heartfelt post. Very sorry to hear of Sylvia’s health. I know this must be hard on you, but I want you to know that your blog’s helping others to cope with the very things you are experiencing. My mom, who is 82, has dementia and lives with me. You express the feelings and emotions my mother is unable to express herself. Yesterday was a sad day. That’s all she could say. She didn’t know why, just a sad day. Your blog today was timely. I read your blog to better understand my mom and so that I can care for her with more compassion and understanding. Sending you a long distance hug from the United States.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I echo the many thoughts expressed here and send you love, to add to that already zooming its way to you from all directions. It will pass, and you are so strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Each day I look forward to reading your blog. You have not only opened my eyes to Dementia but also to the lovely surroundings that you live in… your stories and photos are amazing. Wendy today I feel sad along with you.. your willingness to be open about your situation and feelings is certainly helping many people who are also struggling. Namaste

    Liked by 1 person

  25. So thankful you explained about the lack of emotions ! I didn’t understand what was was wrong with me, having no emotions. Like I don’t really care about anything. But have learned to fake being happy when someone talks to me.
    Thank you so much for this blog, and most of all, for teaching me about having strength to carry on.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Hi Wendy
    Sorry to hear your news.
    I really look forward to the photos from your trundles – they provide lovely memories of my home land (I’m the lady who lives in Tasmania). Truly you are an inspiration
    Kind regards
    Denise

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Wendy,
    So sorry to hear that you learned of your friend’s situation. I know that regardless of anyone’s condition in life, such a heartbreaking conversation is bound to test anyone’s mental health.I hope tomorrow is better, and that you can rejoice in the wonderful times and conversations you and Silvia have had, and that that will bring some light to what has been some dreary days.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and giving all of us the ability to understand what we have seen in our loved ones as well as having gotten to know you.

    All the best from Australia. – SVP.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling rubbish Wendy, and losing a good friend and ally. You do write about it beautifully, and I’ve learned something about dementia and the emotions. x

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Wendy, hoping tomorrow is an easier day for you….such sadness for Sylvia is heartbreaking. You clearly mean so much to each other, but she will want you to be happy again soon. Wrapping you in love and prayers for comfort. Carol

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Oh Wendy, I feel so sorry that you are experiencing a sad time. It’s not surprising given what you are experiencing – that plus the time of year, the weather, your friend’s illness have all conspired to make you feel that way. You are wonderful to be able to share it with us and rest assured that we all care about you and hope you feel content very soon.

    I have a relative who is doing a PhD into the links between depression and dementia and I have shared your post with her. I hope that is ok with you. I’ve also given her the link to your blog page, so she can know that you are an incredible woman who is sharing her feelings with us (and those, like her, with more knowledge) so we can all benefit from your experiences. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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