I woke up after a disturbed night. Reliving my past through my dreams and waking moments where images wouldn’t fade away. Of the cruelty of young girls at school, believing them to be your best friends and then they turn their back on you. Images of loneliness following me through the night, waking sad and shocked, then sleep returning only to continue the solitary journey, like a Pandora’s box opening up everything that had stayed silent.
I finally decided to get up, darkness still hanging in the sky. The thought of trying to sleep again to relive cruelty and sadness too much to bare. My head feeling worn out by the gruelling night, I had my shower, following my normal routine to give me some normality back.
I looked at the kettle as I shuffled downstairs, my eyes heavy with the desire to sleep. I flicked it on automatically, but then noticed the sky just about to get light, so both arms into my coat, zip up against the cold, duck food hanging from my wrist and camera round my neck, I ventured out, hoping the cool morning air would wake my tired body.
It was bitterly cold, a strong wind blowing, clouds racing across the sky
Holding tight to my hood, I crossed the road to climb up through the snicket, in the hope of some shelter. My stick the only sound I could hear faithfully keeping in step.
The morning walk went by in a blur. I remember standing and watching the sunrise in the far field
My limbs felt heavy, my arms felt weak and simply wanted to hang at my side. I felt my body shutting down again. ‘Ring Gemma’ a voice said inside, but my hand feeling around for my phone found nothing but emptiness, empty pockets meant I’d forgotten to pick it up in my haste for fresh air….I stood for a moment, trying to distract my body by looking at the sky
I’ll count my way home, concentrate on counting. And so I did, one foot in front of the other, counting in sets of 100 before starting again……44, 45, 46… I hadn’t even fed the ducks yet, but today the food would be thrown on the grass for them to help themselves…..87, 88….just needed to get home and lie down…..1, 2, 3
I don’t think I saw anyone that morning as my key gratefully slotted into the keyhole and let me in, where I collapsed on the stairs and just sat……..
As usual, after a cuppa tea and snuggle into my bed, I felt more normal, but could tell today wasn’t going to be a good day…looking at my app, it read 2hrs 31 minutes of sleep and today it really felt like it…
I no longer dream of the present, only the past, as though my dreams have regressed, showing the haunted life I may be immersed in at a later stage of dementia…my girls always appear as young children, sometimes doing adult jobs, but it never seems odd at the time. The ones with my daughters in are comforting, but the fact that my ex is also there very disturbing. The ones of me even younger are just haunted with distress and very disturbing.
So if dementia chooses to take me back in time, I hope I’ve been gone long before that day…..