Maybe my dreams show me my possible future …..

I woke up after a disturbed night. Reliving my past through my dreams and waking moments where images wouldn’t fade away. Of the cruelty of young girls at school, believing them to be your best friends and then they turn their back on you. Images of loneliness following me through the night, waking sad and shocked, then sleep returning only to continue the solitary journey, like a Pandora’s box opening up everything that had stayed silent.

I finally decided to get up, darkness still hanging in the sky. The thought of trying to sleep again to relive cruelty and sadness too much to bare. My head feeling worn out by the gruelling night, I had my shower, following my normal routine to give me some normality back.

I looked at the kettle as I shuffled downstairs, my eyes heavy with the desire to sleep. I flicked it on automatically, but then noticed the sky just about to get light, so both arms into my coat, zip up against the cold, duck food hanging from my wrist and camera round my neck, I ventured out, hoping the cool morning air would wake my tired body.

It was bitterly cold, a strong wind blowing, clouds racing across the sky

Holding tight to my hood, I crossed the road to climb up through the snicket, in the hope of some shelter. My stick the only sound I could hear faithfully keeping in step.

The morning walk went by in a blur. I remember standing and watching the sunrise in the far field

My limbs felt heavy, my arms felt weak and simply wanted to hang at my side. I felt my body shutting down again. ‘Ring Gemma’ a voice said inside, but my hand feeling around for my phone found nothing but emptiness, empty pockets meant I’d forgotten to pick it up in my haste for fresh air….I stood for a moment, trying to distract my body by looking at the sky

I’ll count my way home, concentrate on counting. And so I did, one foot in front of the other, counting in sets of 100 before starting again……44, 45, 46… I hadn’t even fed the ducks yet, but today the food would be thrown on the grass for them to help themselves…..87, 88….just needed to get home and lie down…..1, 2, 3 

I don’t think I saw anyone that morning as my key gratefully slotted into the keyhole and let me in, where I collapsed on the stairs and just sat……..

As usual, after a cuppa tea and snuggle into my bed, I felt more normal, but could tell today wasn’t going to be a good day…looking at my app, it read 2hrs 31 minutes of sleep and today it really felt like it…

I no longer dream of the present, only the past, as though my dreams have regressed, showing the haunted life I may be immersed in at a later stage of dementia…my girls always appear as young children, sometimes doing adult jobs, but it never seems odd at the time. The ones with my daughters in are comforting, but the fact that my ex is also there very disturbing. The ones of me even younger are just haunted with distress and very disturbing.

So if dementia chooses to take me back in time, I hope I’ve been gone long before that day…..

About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

45 thoughts on “Maybe my dreams show me my possible future …..

  1. Dear Wendy
    Your ability to look analytically at what is happening to you must help so many others going through the same process. I hope and wish it makes these times easier for you to bear. Thank you for sharing and explaining. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Simply, just thank you for being you, and pushing through the misty days to share your experience. It is immensely powerful. I write from New Zealand – the power of your efforts each day has effect way beyond what you imagine. If there comes a day when the technology for communicating to us all is no good for you, please please have a proxy share your words with us. All love to you Wendy.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you Wendy for sharing your experiences with us, frightening as they may be, in such a clear and interesting writing style.
    I realise from experience I have had with people experiencing dementia that the past can become intertwined with the present in a very real sense and experienced in the present waking consciousness.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dreams are funny things Wendy, since I’ve given up drinking alcohol, I’ve had some horrible ones of me being drunk & out of control. Apparently it’s common. They’ve got less & less though. I’m not sure about the relationship with dreaming & dementia, but I hope it’s not a regular thing from now on & maybe just something your brain is processing at the moment? I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the ducks, another day ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wendy I am the same age as you and don’t have any serious I’ll health. I have dreams similar to the one you described. My children are very often much younger and I don’t recognise the situation we are in. Sometimes I’m in school. It’s very rarely a happy dream- often people are being unkind and nasty. I really don’t get it. When I wake up I feel really sad and it affects my mood until I shake it off. Hopefully for you this isn’t anything to do with dementia and won’t therefore get worse as your symptoms progress. I’ve often tried to work out what it was all about and why I had such a disturbing dream but hey I’m afraid I’m no expert.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Wendy, I dip in and out of your posts, and so don’t know all that has gone in-between but it seems you have had some rough days and nights of late. Do hope this period clears and you have more of your better feeling days.
    As a previous commenter has said, the way in which you analyse what is going on is so enlightening for others but no fun for you!
    I love the word “snicket” – I assume it is a small pathway cut through. In my part of the country – Sussex – it is a twitten. Another good word!
    Stay safe, and thank you for sharing your experiences, good and bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Wendy, I hope that your day is better today. That is all I can say, you have great insight and hopefully this will help you hold bad days at bay for as long as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Just walking along side you on your journey Wendy – you are so brave and practical and logical about dealing with the trials that you face. Tomorrow will be a fresh new day.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Such a sad post today Wendy, and I feel for you greatly. Tomorrow may be different again, but the important thing is, you keep going, knowing that nothing stays the same. You are making the most of every day, and living in the present moment.
    These bad dreams may come and go, and things are always worse at night, but you are trying to remain strong and positive. Know that you are keeping the rest of us encouraged and helping us all to understand what it’s like. So much good work you are still doing!
    I hope there are many tranquil nights with peaceful rests for you, too, Wendy.
    Take care, and thank you for all you are doing for the rest of us in sharing these posts.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. With my Dad, who had vascular dementia, we gradually realised that his dreams reflected his current worries or fears about future. Although they could be sad and upsetting the upside was that it revealed the issues we needed to discuss or think about as a family that were bothering him that neither he or we had realised. Although set in the past, your dreams may be about what your unconscious mind is grappling in the present – maybe the isolation of lockdown is causing anxiety about loneliness now or in the future. Not an expert, you are, but that was a pattern we noticed. I find it so helpful when you describe your experience but am so sorry you woke up to such a jangled morning…I hope things have eased xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I hope the sadness passes, Wendy. You have had some bad times lately, but even through these you are helping other people, just by being you. I’m sure your gusardian angel is by your side. 😇

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Love your blog Wendy as I can relate to the reality of dreams. I send you hugs as the reality of the past we don’t want to revisit, is most certainly a disturbing one 🤗🤗


  13. Dear Wendy you always touch my heart and I am silently weeping for you today. Sleep is such so powerful thing , it either makes us feel a million dollars or lack of sleep makes us feel like ugh!
    Your logical and honest reflections are amazing, even when you are tired.
    I hope today is a calmer day and I will sit with you (in my mind)and share a cuppa tea.

    Stay strong and better days will follow I am sure.
    Sending positive thought💖

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I want to respond to your post Wendy as so moved by reading it. My heart goes out to you the dreams are so harsh. I so hope these dreams do not plague Sending love 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Dear Wendy, I realize it must br frightening, but dreams have a different logic. It does not mean that they are directly related to dementia. Even sleeping so little you were able to do a walk, take lovely pictures and go back home. It was a bad night. I hope the next one is better and you can rest. Thank you for telling us about your experiences and allowing us to learn from them. I am sending you my love.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi Wendy,

    So sorry to hear that you are having these disturbing dreams. Sleep is supposed to be a restorative and so I hope you won’t have too many episodes like this. Our youth is rightly referred to as the impressionable years and don’t they leave a deep imprint? Sounds like you had some pretty nasty experiences with false friends and those you should have been able to count on. I grew up relatively unscathed with only my own foolish blunders to recall but my wife’s childhood was not a happy one with damage done that no amount of reassurance can expunge.

    Your ability to articulate it is quite astounding and with all that you’ve achieved in life and the challenges you still face up to and overcome you should rightly be feeling more than a little proud of yourself. But that’s not how it is when those old feelings of hurt from the past put in an appearance to steal away the joy of the present. But the fact is you are loved and admired by so many here and now who do recognise your true worth.

    Hope you have a better night tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I SO hope you have having a better night tonight, Wendy. Whatever your brain is processing, let it be done and gone!

    Loving the language you’re sharing: snicket, twitten. 😉 Not words I’ve heard in the US.

    I found your last picture, with the leaves in front of the sunset, particularly delightful, soothing.

    Wendy, I am among the many grateful for your bravery and generosity in sharing this journey. We care, and appreciate you so much!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Hello Wendy, I am in awe of what you write about yourself. It goes a long way to help me to understand a little of what my husband went through during his early stages of dementia. He is now having end of life care, he is totally locked away in his own world and your blogs makes me ask is he living in his past? He knows no one but I like to feel that somehow he is living an alternative existence. Thank you sincerely for helping me and I do hope you have a better night and that you feed your ducks tomorrow. Sending you Angel blessings, healing and love. All my love to one of the courageous ladies I know. xxxx 💕💙🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

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