I wrote this last Thursday as I sat waiting for my partner in writing, Anna, to ping me a Whatsapp to say she was ready to start for the day…..a project underway that will be revealed at a later date….It was 09.30 am and I’d been up as usual at 06.45 but had had an erratic start to the day, my head all over the place
The morning didn’t start off well….I didn’t feel quite right when I got up, having to think extra hard ‘what was next’…my head unclear, thoughts jumping around fighting to be first instead of taking their turn, forming an orderly queue…like an old fashion transistor radio not quite tuned perfectly, many stations competing for my attention
The pile of washing on the floor must mean I’d decided to wash, so I had my shower first, as I always include the morning towel. Shower over, I picked up the washing, headed downstairs into the conservatory where the washing machine lives and immediately was distracted by the sunrise. I knocked over the tub of washing pearls, scattering like seeds all over the carpet but remember simply thinking how nice they smelt. Will deal with the mess later….I assume I put the liquid and conditioner in the machine as I switched it on, the machine lighting up ready to start and telling me 1hr 02 mins – clicked start and the process began ….
Went upstairs for my camera still distracted by the sky outside, its’ reddy pink glow fading with each minute I was taking and noticed the towel lying there forgotten…thoughts still jumping around erratically in my head, I couldn’t think straight…but I knew I needed to get out for my early morning walk…
I was stumbling around instead of my limbs working in unison, well as unison as they ever are 🙄. They too as erratic as my brain today. I kept telling myself, my morning walk would calm me….
Back downstairs, coat on, orange gloves with hotties inside – must have placed them ready last night. And finally outside into the fresh air, trying to distract the jumble in my head as a mum distracts arguing children….
As I stepped outside, I could feel the calmness of the outside space starting to work it’s magic and I went about my usual walk….. snapping at scenes that caught my eye, the sunrise fading, but still wisps of colour streaked across the sky….
An hour later and I stepped back inside to start off my daily routine, hopefully with a clearer head. Flicked the kettle on and went to take the myriad of morning tablets….a moments hesitation, as the next full compartment said ‘Wednesday’…..I looked at my phone…
‘Thursday 5th November “ lit up the screen…..I’d forgotten to take my tablets yesterday 🙈…maybe that was the culprit for the jumping thoughts and clumsy body today…but I don’t remember feeling like this before and I’ve certainly forgotten my tablets on many occasions …….another change to surface or maybe it’s just going to simply be one of those discombobulated days….
But when the ping of my phone signalled Anna’s arrival an hour later, it was still a jumbled mess and I didn’t know how much use I’d be. But amazingly…..my fingers were fine….as though detached from my body, wired to a different brain and the jumbled me watched as my fingers typed eloquently, thank goodness. And when Sarah came later, she could see the jumbled chaos in my brain had been transferred to my body and voice. When we walked to the pond to give the ducks an extra treat, my gait felt jumbled too. Consciously having to think how to walk, My body felt jerky and unwilling….but the ducks were happy at least to see us…
I came back home, after saying goodbye to Sarah, and started jotting my notes down again, my head still a jumble, my fingers clear and concise. I told Anna I needed to close my eyes a while, maybe to let the riot in my head diffuse and calm down…..
An hour later, I opened my eyes, sleep having evaded me, I knew the riot was going to continue, so sat up in bed and began to type something calming about pottering in my garden…although my fingers behaved and produce some calming prose, my head refused to surrender, the fractious armies continuing to do battle. I gave in.
The evening passed by in a haze and eventually I must have gone to bed. Hopefully sleep will sort me out…..
The next morning I woke and paused before moving. Had the battle ceased inside my head? Or were they just sleeping too….I felt calm, my head felt clear. I’m always saying to others, “If today is a bad day, tomorrow may be better”…..and, thankfully, this time it was….
Dementia is so strange in the way it affects us. A new feeling yesterday which I hope isn’t going to take up residence…….time for my early morning walk…..but more of that tomorrow…