My head feeling like a badly tuned radio…..

I wrote this last Thursday as I sat waiting for my partner in writing, Anna, to ping me a Whatsapp to say she was ready to start for the day…..a project underway that will be revealed at a later date….It was 09.30 am and I’d been up as usual at 06.45 but had had an erratic start to the day, my head all over the place

The morning didn’t start off well….I didn’t feel quite right when I got up, having to think extra hard ‘what was next’…my head unclear, thoughts jumping around fighting to be first instead of taking their turn, forming an orderly queue…like an old fashion transistor radio not quite tuned perfectly, many stations competing for my attention 

The pile of washing on the floor must mean I’d decided to wash, so I had my shower first, as I always include the morning towel. Shower over, I picked up the washing, headed downstairs into the conservatory where the washing machine lives and immediately was distracted by the sunrise. I knocked over the tub of washing pearls, scattering like seeds all over the carpet but remember simply thinking how nice they smelt. Will deal with the mess later….I assume I put the liquid and conditioner in the machine as I switched it on, the machine lighting up ready to start and telling me 1hr 02 mins – clicked start and the process began ….

Went upstairs for my camera still distracted by the sky outside, its’ reddy pink glow fading with each minute I was taking and noticed the towel lying there forgotten…thoughts still jumping around erratically in my head, I couldn’t think straight…but I knew I needed to get out for my early morning walk…

I was stumbling around instead of my limbs working in unison, well as unison as they ever are 🙄. They too as erratic as my brain today. I kept telling myself, my morning walk would calm me….

Back downstairs, coat on, orange gloves with hotties inside – must have placed them ready last night. And finally outside into the fresh air, trying to distract the jumble in my head as a mum distracts arguing children….

As I stepped outside, I could feel the calmness of the outside space starting to work it’s magic and I went about my usual walk….. snapping at scenes that caught my eye, the sunrise fading, but still wisps of colour streaked across the sky….

An hour later and I stepped back inside to start off my daily routine, hopefully with a clearer head. Flicked the kettle on and went to take the myriad of morning tablets….a moments hesitation, as the next full compartment said ‘Wednesday’…..I looked at my phone…

Thursday 5th November “ lit up the screen…..I’d forgotten to take my tablets yesterday 🙈…maybe that was the culprit for the jumping thoughts and clumsy body today…but I don’t remember feeling like this before and I’ve certainly forgotten my tablets on many occasions …….another change to surface or maybe it’s just going to simply be one of those discombobulated days….

But when the ping of my phone signalled Anna’s arrival an hour later, it was still a jumbled mess and I didn’t know how much use I’d be. But amazingly… fingers were fine….as though detached from my body, wired to a different brain and the jumbled me watched as my fingers typed eloquently, thank goodness. And when Sarah came later, she could see the jumbled chaos in my brain had been transferred to my body and voice. When we walked to the pond to give the ducks an extra treat, my gait felt jumbled too. Consciously having to think how to walk, My body  felt jerky and unwilling….but the ducks were happy at least to see us…

I came back home, after saying goodbye to Sarah, and started jotting my notes down again, my head still a jumble, my fingers clear and concise. I told Anna I needed to close my eyes a while, maybe to let the riot in my head diffuse and calm down…..

An hour later, I opened my eyes, sleep having evaded me, I knew the riot was going to continue, so sat up in bed and began to type something calming about pottering in my garden…although my fingers behaved and produce some calming prose, my head refused to surrender, the fractious armies continuing to do battle. I gave in. 

The evening passed by in a haze and eventually I must have gone to bed. Hopefully sleep will sort me out…..

The next morning I woke and paused before moving. Had the battle ceased inside my head? Or were they just sleeping too….I felt calm, my head felt clear. I’m always saying to others, “If today is a bad day, tomorrow may be better”…..and, thankfully, this time it was….

Dementia is so strange in the way it affects us. A new feeling yesterday which I hope isn’t going to take up residence…….time for my early morning walk…..but more of that tomorrow…

About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with Young Onset Dementia. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

36 thoughts on “My head feeling like a badly tuned radio…..

  1. What an awful day for you, Wendy. I hope the following days have been more settled, and glad that Sarah came to help. I would think it’s a positive thing that you have been able to set it all down on paper, and let your fingers do the talking for you. So good that you have created a routine and can stick to it, even when you don’t feel right.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wendy your resilience when things are tough is just amazing. I’m so glad that “tomorrow was a better day”. Keep sharing your thoughts they inspire so many and give so much encouragement to keep going xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How brave you are Wendy, in sharing all that with us. But I’m so glad you do, as my Mum is going through all this chaos and it really does help me to help Mum, so thank you! Sending you a big warm hug and many thanks. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wendy,
    Your resilience and honesty in the face of dementia is inspiring. I think you are achieving a great deal with your walks and your photography in your home village, perhaps even more than when you were travelling so much.

    As you well know, we each (those with dementia and those who love and often care for them) have to live each day as it comes.

    Take care. May your fingers keep typing and your feet keep walking and your brain remain calm.

    All the best


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for putting in to words what many of us can’t. I felt so sad and anxious for you as I read this blog for there are days when I open my eyes I know it’s going to be a challenging day

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are an inspiration Wendy. I really, really hope that this is a blip caused by you missing out your medication. As a fellow touch-typist, I can understand the automatic process of expressing your thoughts using a keyboard. Your readers are so privileged to read your posts and I know that those involved in any way with dementia (either directly or indirectly) is gaining a great deal from your posts. Keep on doing what you’re doing. You are amazing. x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Wendy. I read your blog to my husband this morning. He too has good days and not so good days, and it’s comforting for him to know that he is not alone in what he’s experiencing on any given day. Thank you for sharing and we both hope you have many more good days.

    Liked by 1 person

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