How much of the me I am now has been created by dementia and how much is the me that was?
My girls will tell you how different this character before you is from the old me. The intensely private person replaced by a gregarious alien…….but I quite like this new alien character I’ve become.
I’ve always been intuitive but am more so now. I’m lucky, I can analyse my dementia from the outside looking in as well as from the inside.
It’s not that I’ve changed physically which bizarrely people expect. The number of times people have said to me, ‘you look no different from last time’ is very frustrating and disheartening . People are often surprised that I ‘look well’…….the fact is I like walking, I like pottering in the garden, so I’m often outside in the sunshine. The change is cognitively, inside your brain, affecting the speed of thought, the ability to do things. I’m not ageing as such, I’m cognitively declining………
This recent progression started a couple of weeks ago (Ithink!). The fog descended one day, or it was actually more like a mist. I expected it to clear, as it usually does, if I sit silently and wait, but this time it didn’t. It was there the next day, and still there now a fortnight or so later.
It’s not a mist that affects your vision, but a mist inside your brain, making it harder to think, slower for words to emerge. Just harder ‘to do’. And so is this how progression happens? A permanent change in the weather of the brain?
As long as I can analyse and understand what’s happening, I’m happy to hang around and play this game that dementia has set me. But must keep an eye on it…..as the last thing I want is to fall off the cliff edge and have dementia playing the check mate move……