Why I analyse my dementia…….

Most people go about their lives without analysing why they do things. They just live their lives from day to day and never think, ‘Why did that happen?’ or ‘Why did I do that?’. I’ve been asked recently, ‘Why do you analyse dementia, why don’t you just live your life? Well for a start, it’s very hard to ignore dementia And I suppose I’ve always questioned, analysed, been intuitive. Analysing helps me cope with this dementia of mine so helps me cope with my life.

My old self is still here, trapped inside me and on some days her presence is strong and she’s able to help me through. But on others she is faded and whilst desperately trying to help, her strength isn’t there and dementia wins the day, her grasp on me too weak.

Compare it to falling off a cliff and someone grabbing your hand to save you, preventing you from falling. As time goes by their grasp becomes weak and eventually you will fall. Just like eventually my old self will fade away and I’ll be left alone with dementia winning the day.

You night be wondering why I write my blog; why would I write things down when it would be better to forget them? Well writing my days, thoughts and ramblings down helps me to make sense of what’s happening, helps me understand and helps me to help my daughters understand. If I didn’t write everything down my daughters would know very little as I would forget to tell them and when I see them I’m always just happy to see them and forget anything bad.

It also helps me document all the wonderful things I’ve done, all the amazing opportunities that have come my way, that would be lost if I didn’t write my blog.

Many ask, ‘But how can you remember what’s happened’?……..well I usually type in real time. On my journey and then at the event. I’m sat there typing away the detail of the day. I can always remember if I enjoyed the day as our emotions never disappear but if I stop typing, the detail will fade and disappear in the blink of an eye.

Typing is also my escape from dementia. I’ve said many times how I can type as though dementia never entered my world as that part of my brain remain unaffected so so. It’s still only two finger typing, but I can still type words quicker than I can think and speak them. The words we think in our minds, transferred to my fingers, whereas they wouldn’t’t reach my mouth to speak them………..the brain is a wonderful blob that we still know very little about……….

So if thoughts suddenly appear in my mind, I can instantly type them. It might be the title of a future blog, or simply a sentence that springs to mind.

Some may think it’s a nuisance to be able to analyse what’s happening to me – ‘isn’t it a worry for you?’……..well it would be more of a worry if I couldn’t. It wouldn’t feel right for me.

I’ve always been quite a good judge of character …..but since dementia my intuition has been heightened.

Many others have said this too. I know instantly if I like someone or not; whether I should say yes or no to an event from the first email I receive from the tone and language used…..or maybe I just think I do. But so many others have said how their intuition has been heightened – maybe because our brains can only cope with small chunks, small detail at any one time, so we see the important things.

The brain is such a complex organ. I find it fascinating. Obviously I wish I was a bystander but dementia has given me a close up view of it’s intricacies ……..maybe over the years, my blog will help understand my dementia more fully as I deteriorate and help my daughters understand what’s going on in my head……..so that’s why I analyse my dementia……..😊

About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

39 thoughts on “Why I analyse my dementia…….

  1. My dearly loved aunt has moderate stage dementia. She does things others roll their eyes at but if one would analyse her actions or stories they would make sense. She thinks she lives in the forest with her mom at night. In the living facility her bed is right by a window with a beautiful tree outside she can see. Her room mate reminds her of her mom. I think analysing is a good thing. A lot of things she says and does makes no sense to others but they do to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. so glad you mentioned analysing andintuition, ,also interesting to know that you use or prefer to type on the pc,rather than speak.enjoying your posts I find them very interesting,forgot how to spell–senior moment?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well written Wendy. You are helping to give so many people an insight into living with dementia and thereby helping them understand their loved one’s a little more. Keep on writing and analysing. You’re doing a brilliant job. x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wendy, I am inspired by you. My mother has Alzheimer’s disease and I worry that I may get it. I’ve always been an organized person who also loves to type. I can’t understand why anyone would question you. Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is beautiful, Wendy. I often wondered what was going on in Mom’s mind (she had aphasia, so couldn’t talk, and had trouble writing) and it would have comforted me greatly had she been able to share what she was thinking and feeling. Her intuition definitely grew stronger; it was very obvious that she could read the energy of others around her accurately, and I learned to read her energy over time. There are many ways to communicate beyond words, as we were happy to discover. Love is a language all on its own…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Did you already do the skydiving? I am at risk for dementia in my 40s. In the last year, I have started journalling a lot more in hopes that I will have a legacy of things to leave behind for others, but also for me to read when I can’t write.

    My work involves working with people living with Young Onset neurocognitive conditions like rarer dementias, including Huntington Disease. At the risk of sounding like a cliche, I have learned the most from them about the value of each person even when they change! I used to have such a bleak perspective about dementia, esp YOD because I was a young carer to my mom and she had been a carer to her mom! But the clients I have worked with changed my values and me greatly! Not everyone has the opportunity to learn firsthand like that. What people know about dementia is through the garbage in media – the one sided catastrophizing…that never shows anything else (mostly).

    How can one not use the “gift” one still has? We are grateful that you document. Shit goes down, yes, but good comes out of it…for you and others!

    P.S. just got your book from the library.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hello Wendy. It’s so great that you can still type! And I enjoyed reading about your habit of “analysing” your dementia. I imagine that helps you a lot — carry on!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You are too modest to say but you write your blog to help other people. My mother died with dementia & your insights have helped me understand so much in retrospect. You help me feel close to my late mum. Plus you have a gift for amusing us all with your gift of words. I can’t thank you enough.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Good on you, Wendy. In what seems like a million years ago, I was a psychologist. I specialised in working with people with an intellectual disability and their families, so I am an observer from way back. I often say that observing the development of my own dementia is absolutely fascinating. Of course I would prefer it not to be me, but if it wasn’t I would never have gained the insight, so I do all I can to make the best of the journey and share my learning with those willing to listen. Observing and analysing is part of the journey for some of us, and hopefully any understanding gained will help others along the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you, Wendy, for your insights, please keep up the good work and the typing. My personal belief is that doing things that you are still good at reinforces the muscle memory and the neurological pathways. So rather than pining for the old Wendy who could speak her thoughts, you are accepting what is and finding a solution. It seems practical to me and a lot of people who campaign do similar things and it helps us who do not have dementia to understand more. Enjoy your skydive. Keep being awesome in your own individual way. By the way, the sensory booklet you were a part of is still going strong and the youtube video has had over 2 and a half thousand views. You appear at 13 minutes, 17.25 minutes and 26.40 mins. This from way back in 2015. If anyone wants to see Wendy the video is called “Dementia and Sensory Challenges and is well worth a watch.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I tried writing a daily blog, but found effort too much. It is fascinating how dementia affects us differently: people who don’t know me well cannot believe I have it as I am very good at remembering! I used to be the PC go to person at work, now I can only use an IPad.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Wendy, i just joined this site today and luvved your post! However, i did cry thru it.

    I, too, hav been “analyzing” my dememtia by reading EVERYTHING i can about dementia. I hav vascular dementia with one marker for Alz.

    I was diagnosed about 6 mos.ago and just recently found out about another online support group— AlzConnected. It has helped alot and i found out about this site from a person on that site a few days ago.

    The very first thing i did after my diagnosis was to look for a support group in my city. I was SO DISAPPOINTED there isnt one. Fortunately, i hav now found 2 online support groups to get me thru each day!

    PLEASE KEEP ON POSTING! I feel i will learn ALOT from them!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Mum’s Alzheimer’s is progressing to the point where the differences are now really noticeable, but like you, her radar for spotting who the trustworthy guys are is still very accurate. She was also once a highly proficient touch typist but it takes her forever now to articulate an opinion in two short written sentences. All good for perspective and a timely reminder that we are all unique. Thank you Wendy. X

    Like

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