Last week when I spent a couple of days in my paradise, Keswick, I felt really unwell. An unusual set of symptoms – a razor blade throat with tender swollen hands and wrist😳🙄
Now I’m not ill very often – well I don’t think I am🙄 and I tend to see it as a nuisance not to be dwelt upon. However, as you may have seen, I recorded it on my blog last Friday in a poem, as it had a deeply disturbing effect on the night. It was my usual stop start stop start sleep wake sleep wake night, only more awake
What I also hadn’t realised is that I forget I’m ill 🙈 until I’m quickly reminded of it….Thursday I got up feeling very under the weather and wondered why my fit bit was so tight on my wrist….only to remember how my hands and wrists were swollen……..Then, after my shower, when I was drying my hands, I remembered how tender my hands were……😶
I was then talking quite happily to other guests over breakfast, feeling content in their company, when I swallowed and remembered how sore my throat was……all very weird
When I’m in the company of others or am whatsapping people, I can forget everything bad as I’m just so happy to be in conversation. It’s only when I stopped, swallowed or touched my hands that I was reminded again how rubbish I felt. I was also totally exhausted but only felt this when I stopped…….
With these facts stored in your mind…… I set off happy as I was going on a new bus ride from Keswick to Seatoller…..only 30 mins…..but a bus I hadn’t noticed before. I lasted the half hour there and hour back as I had the company of a couple who’d never been to the Lakes before so they kept me occupied chatting.
My plan was then to hop on whatever bus was waiting and it turned out to be one I always go on, that goes through Grasmere, Ambleside and Windermere……a glorious route where I’m usually hooked to the window taking pictures…….not this time……I suddenly woke up with a start as the bus stopped to pick up passengers…….😱…….I’d fallen asleep as I was soooo tired……I’d missed all my favourite scenery ….
I often get off at Grasmere and catch the open top bus to Bowness……so, realising we hadn’t got there yet, I got off happily, looked at the open top bus all ready waiting for me…….and sat on the wall……..I’d swallowed and felt the harshness stinging my throat and all I really wanted to do was sleep…..Several minutes later, I wondered why I was so tired…….
So instead of my usual jaunt on the open top bus, I wondered round Grasmere for 15 minutes before my legs came to a halt, reminding me again, I wasn’t well. I kept having to think for a few seconds ‘what’s going on?’ each time my body was refusing to play ball. I kept forgetting I wasn’t well…….the bus wasn’t due for 30 minutes and usually I’d wander around, but this time I just stood……stood until it was time for the bus…..
Once I was back in Keswick, I made my way back to my B&B for a cuppa……and promptly closed my eyes……….
You may or may not have noticed that throughout this story I havn’t mentioned stopping for a cuppa tea……well tragically, that’s another side effect of not feeling well. Throughout my life, my body has always told me what it wants and what it doesn’t want. Usually tea is high on the list, but not today. My body wanted water, so water it had to be. Tea just didn’t taste the same…….😱
Is this why people who can’t express how they’re feeling, so often get misinterpreted. I don’t know the answer, I’m just relating it to my experience, how I thought I was well one minute, not well the next. Even though I forgot, I was able to work out what was wrong. I exist in the particular moment and if distracted by happiness all evidence of illness disappears.
Maybe that’s why I survive on so little sleep – because I’m so caught up in my day, my body has become accustomed to exhaustion as a normal state……who knows……
The thought that I mustn’t stop doing, mustn’t rest for too long probably doesn’t do me much good but then I know dementia is peering round the corner waiting for me to do just that and pounce ….For this reason I suppose I daren’t stop……..
For those who can’t communicate or can;t explain, life must be even more confusing……..to be in a permanent state of confusion…..well, not well, well, not well…..as they forget and realise all over again…..