Loss of emotions…….

Outrage is one emotion that appears to be missing in my repertoire of emotions now. Maybe this shows again the individuality of the dementia experience. The emotion I feel in abundance though is sadness. This appears to have superseded all others. Situations that would once have annoyed or outraged me are now replaced by making me sad – tears flow more easily than before. I seem to feel just 3 emotions now; happy, content or sad.. They are very basic emotions but highly emotive and decisive in highlighting how something or someone makes me feel, be it a situation, person or object.

Last week, as many people will know, I was missed off as a speaker at a conference. I was due to open the afternoon session and was forgotten. The omission was outrageous and unforgivable and the chair should have apologised as soon as she realised or as soon as she was told of the omission by the organisers. However, I would normally have felt outrage and anger but all I felt was sadness. I left the building bewildered and simply feeling sad. I didn’t feel anger, I didn’t feel annoyance at the long journey I’d made, I simply felt emotionally sad.
How strange to have ‘lost’ emotions as well as memories. ‘Lost emotions’ has taken me by surprise and not something i was looking out for or have read about in the raft of symptoms we can experience. I can’t imagine any other cause but that of the dementia….

For those of you curious to know the outcome of the omission …….. I did recieve a voicemail from Chairlie Davie, the speaker before me in the morning, on Saturday – mobile black hole meant I didn’t get the actual call- and that was appreciated. I expected an apology Friday evening from the chair, but it didn’t arrive.On Saturday morning my friends on Twitter demonstrated their outrage and many tweets included the offending chair in their rants. This resulted in an apology via Twitter. It was a shame it took so long and took a Twitter frenzy to elicit an apology. Maybe the event organisers failed to tell the chair that she’d make a dreadful mistake – who knows – but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and draw a line under the sad experience.

Dr Shibley Rahman expressed the view this morning that our “engagement and involvement serves more of a marketing function” – me think that he is probably right in the majority of cases…….although I have to cling on to the hope that it’s not true in all cases in order to keep doing what I do……….

😀😐😥

 

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About wendy7713

On the 31st July 2014 I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I may not have much of a short term memory anymore but that date is one I’ll never forget. I’m 58 years young, live happily alone in Yorkshire, have 2 daughters and I’m currently still in full time employment in the NHS. However, I’m now in the process of taking early retirement to give me a chance of enjoying life while I’m still me. I've started this blog to allow me, in the first instance, to write all my thoughts before they’re lost. If anyone chooses to follow my ramblings it will serve as a way of raising awareness on the lack of research into Alzheimer's. It will hopefully convey the helplessness of those diagnosed with dementia, as there is no cure – the end is inevitable. However, I’m also hoping I can convey that, although we've been diagnosed, people like me still have a substantial contribution to make; we still have a sense of humour; we sill have feelings. I’m hoping to show the reality of trying to cope on a day to day basis with the ever-changing environment that dementia throws at those diagnosed with the condition. What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.

9 thoughts on “Loss of emotions…….

  1. Thank you for sharing with great dignity a truly appalling situation. If outrage has left you then others of us are outraged on your behalf. Your intelligent and honest description of your experiences and ups and downs are so encouraging. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  2. HI Wendy. Sad indeed.
    Come ‘home’ to Minds and Voices next week and we’ll work on the happy and content!
    We did a bit of proper inclusion running the agenda for York DAA today – seemed to get stuff on folks’ agenda.
    Emily, Damian, Paul, Eddy, Eileen, Liz, Elaine, Charlie, Rita et al!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Absolutely right Wendy. Your work is not at all ‘marketing’ – and is a robust contribution to getting us all thinking of very crucial aspects of living with dementia, in care, research and community. Thanks for all you do.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I have been diagnosed with MCI with an Alzheimer’s pattern. Nothing showing on the brain scan yet so the experts can’t say that it’s Alzheimer’s yet, though my Mum had early onset, so I’m not holding my breath and my MCI is getting slowly worse. The reason for my message is twofold.
    1. You have to fight for your right to speak. There are too few people in your unique situation. You have received an early diagnosis ( a double edged sword some would say) but Wendy, you are the voice of Alzheimer’s. There aren’t many who are in the position to speak for those of us who can’t – people like me who have not got the credentials (yet) and the ones who have been robbed of a voice. You understand us when all the well-meaning professional DON’T – however well-intentioned, they aren’t living with this disease so they don’t know.
    2. I empathise with the loss of range of emotions. Having battled with clinical depression for the last thirty years, I expected to fall apart when I got the MCI diagnosis – I didn’t and six months down the line, I still haven’t. I have days when I feel ‘sad’ but not crippled by depression. I have stood back and tried to analyse why I’m suddenly more extrovert, more outspoken and very open about my memory related problems. I just accept that I’ve changed and I guess will continue to change.
    Wendy, you have to keep on doing what you’re doing – we need you to. You are a vital ambassador. YOU ROCK GIRL!!

    Liked by 1 person

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